Dr. Jones explains three things you should never do if you want peace in your home. Don't lie, don’t argue, and don’t criticize. These 3 nevers are easy to implement and will produce a powerful change in you life. This is an abridged version of The 3 Nevers.

If you'd like to listen to the full version and the rest of Dr. Jones’ counsel, you should check out his complete seminar here.

PARENTAL DISUNITY undermines the relationships in the family. Sometimes, because of one parent’s need to be approved of, or to be accepted, that parent will try to show love to the child by rescuing, or by taking sides against the other parent. This models a distrustful, sneaky, cheating style of relationship. The relationship of husband and wife should be sacred, honest and loyal.

Children are typically not interested in family harmony; they are interested in getting their own way! Parental disunity can be exploited by a child, but a child is not responsible for the parental disunity. Parental disunity may manifest itself in alienating the other parent and deliberately undermining his/her influence. When one parent is angry at the other parent, he may deliberately or unconsciously begin to make the other parent the "stupid one", the "irresponsible one", or the one who "doesn’t love you like I do." To alienate a child from the other parent is a cruel, hateful thing to do; it hurts the child much more than it hurts the other parent. This kind of behavior is done by ignorant, self-serving parents.

Don’t let one parent get away with being the "good" parent, playing "Santa Claus" while the other parent is required to carry the burden of discipline alone! In order not to confuse the child, parents need to get on the same page with their parenting philosophy. They must agree and be consistent for the sake of the children. Please, do not play the "good cop/bad cop" game.

YES, OF COURSE! It is OK for parents to disagree in front of their children as long as they are not "disagreeable". Parents disagree, and people often have different opinions that clash. Without having a fight or hating each other, the parents model how to disagree; the child sees the parents working out their difficulties. The children see mom and dad disagreeing without being nasty, discounting, or personally attacking each other. Remember to attack the problem and not the person.

Consequences are the positive or negative experiences that follow the decisions we make. We can observe a universe of law and order, of cause and effect. The principle of consequation is the law of cause and effect. We do something and it causes other things to happen, or not happen. It is essential for a child to understand early in life that his choices determine the quality of his life or the consequences that he experiences. Nothing happens in and of itself. There are two kinds of consequences: Natural and Logical.

Natural consequences are the natural results of our choices. Ultimate happiness comes from wise choices, while pain is eventually experienced from our irresponsible choices. The “natural consequence” of leaving the gate open is the loss of the dog. You don’t allow natural consequences when they are dangerous or would interfere with the rights of others. We can’t allow a child to throw rocks at a neighbor and hit him in the face. Some natural consequences are also so severe that we cannot allow them to occur. For instance, a three-year-old cannot be allowed to play in the street and experience the natural consequence of being run over. For such life-threatening cases we use logical consequences.

A logical consequence is a contrived or invented consequence that is used when the natural consequence would be too severe or is nonexistent. Father takes away Johnny’s bike as a logical consequence for riding it in the street, or a child is sent to her room for whining and for pestering mom.

Natural Consequences are allowed to happen by just not interfering in the "natural" course of events (no nagging or reminding). When it is not appropriate to do nothing, you invent and apply some logical consequence to modify behavior. Consequences are an absolutely essential ingredient in the learning process. Our success and happiness and our health and economic future depend on the choices we make. Children need to be able to see the connection between responsible decision-making and a high quality of life. Natural and logical consequences also have an air of fairness about them. Therefore, children focus on the reasons for the consequences and the reasons for their pain instead of feeling that punishment is a result of unfair or arbitrary parents. Consequences allow children to learn and experience from the natural and social order of events and things in life rather than from constant parental demands.

Work is an essential key to healthy human development. It is one of the foundation blocks of character development. Work helps a child to develop independence, endurance and tenacity. It improves the child’s self-image and develops confidence and self-discipline. The child also learns to handle responsibility. Work is inseparably connected to the world of consequation. We reap what we sow. We are supposed to earn and deserve what we get in life. In many homes the children are incorrectly indulged and spoiled. How can a child appreciate what he has been given if he doesn’t know its value because he has never "earned" anything?

We have noted that even young children ages 2 and 3 can start picking up their toys. Certainly children older than this should have significant duties commensurate with their age and physical abilities. Children are much more capable than most of us think and therefore we generally underestimate them. Eric Erickson believes that the optimum developmental time for instilling a sense of industry in children occurs in the six-year period between ages 6 and 12.

If the child does not learn to work he fails to develop the skills and confidence of independence and develops a sense of inferiority. This means that he will carry a skill deficit into the teenage years. Our children must learn to work while they are young! This does not mean that they can never have any fun, but they should have lots of work, earn money, and eventually be able to buy many of their own personal belongings. They need to learn to manage and budget their own time and money. By the time they get into the teenage years, they should have a steady income from the efforts of their own labors, both in and out of the home. Work helps a child learn quickly that we get what we earn in life.

If kids don’t want to work, it is because there is no existing need in the environment for them to work! Kids need to need! What is the ideal environment for raising children? One in which there are lots of opportunities to work! If children have everything given to them, it destroys their incentive to work. Why work if everything is provided? Parents must create a home environment of need. It is not wrong for children to have "needs". They must need some clothes, toys and money for entertainment so they will work.

As they work, they will begin to develop a sense of power, a sense of independence and confidence that they can provide for themselves. Work also develops character, courage, resourcefulness, stamina and a positive self-image. It is what makes people happy! Kids should learn to work, sacrifice, save, and defer gratification. They need to struggle and then taste success and victory over themselves and their world. Don’t deny them this just so you can have joy in giving them everything!

An allowance is a gift, it is a "dole". It is welfare! It is getting what we have not earned and it carries with it an insulting and insidious message. "Here is some money! I must give you money because I believe you obviously are so lacking in principles and so lazy that you are incapable of earning your own way. I, the superior being, must care for you, the inferior being."

Some rather short-sighted people have taught that allowances are "good" because children need the opportunity and experience of handling and budgeting money. This ridiculous idea has found some willing listeners. Which child is going to learn about money, its value and the wise management of it more quickly? The child who has been given $50.00, or the child who has worked and earned and saved and banked it? Everything else being equal, which child will more likely blow it on junk and video games? Which child will more likely lend it to irresponsible friends? On the other hand, which child will more likely use it for something of value? Don’t insult your children by giving them money. Give them work and opportunity! Let them experience "need" so that they can achieve their goals.

Parents must not only have certain skills and an understanding of correct parental principles, they must also endeavor to show the child that there are high principles and meanings involved in the actions they take as parents. Children do not become neurotic from the difficulties, frustrations and trials that they face in life. Difficulties are normal. Children become neurotic and unhealthy when there is serious inconsistency in their lives and they cannot predict or understand what is happening in their environment. In other words, children become traumatized and neurotic when things are "crazy" and "illogical" and they cannot figure out what works in their world.

Instead of making rules arbitrarily, one of your most important tasks as a parent is to explain the underlying correct principles behind the rules in the home. Although children are not always capable of understanding the principles behind the rules, they need to know that they are there. In this way the child begins to understand that there is something much more important involved than just cleaning his bedroom or returning something he has found. As much as possible, the child needs to know and understand that he is being held responsible for his own life and the management of his own resources and time. He needs to understand that he is developing personal responsibility and self discipline. He is learning to manage the world and his room is just a little piece of it.

If parents habitually focus on the negative the child can soon feel rejected. If you are not clear in your acceptance the child can also conclude that something is wrong with her. When a child feels rejected you are not giving that child what she needs, and at some time she will probably come to resent it. If a child does not get acceptance from parents, the parents might find that the child is soon rejecting them.

Constant critical focus on the negative by the parent will soon train the child to also focus on the negative; and to be critical. Critical people are unhappy people. They are always looking for what is wrong, for the fly in the soup, for someone to blame, they never enjoy the good things. Don’t be one of them. Build on your children’s strengths, accept them, acknowledge their greatness and their value. That is encouraging and uplifting. Accept them in their immaturity (they are only children) and accept them even when they want to go with goofy friends, wear silly clothes and listen to awful music. Accept them, but also require that they honor your boundaries and your rights of choice, just as you honor theirs.

Accepting a child does not mean that you give up your rights or your boundaries. Acceptance means that you allow personal rights to others. It does not mean that you approve of everything they do! If one of your boundaries is that you will not tolerate alcohol in your home, then the child is informed that alcohol is never allowed in the home. A parent gives a very poor message if they condone illegal activities (drugs) in the home. You must report illegal activities to the authorities. You accept the child's right to believe what he/she wants but you also claim your right in your home not to have certain things there. You demand that he respect your rights as you respect his. Don’t stand there and moralize and preach. If you’ve done a good job as a parent your child already knows exactly what you think, feel and believe. Teenagers definitely know the difference between right and wrong!

If a child who is a legal adult comes home stoned or drunk, you have the option of putting him out of the home. Each child must understand before the fact that the authorities will be immediately called and all illegal activities reported. This includes a minor’s participation in drugs, alcohol, theft, etc. This will make it a matter of record in case you have problems in the future. (It might be necessary to provide another place for a hard core child to live for the sake of the family because of the negative influence on other siblings). Children need to know that when they violate the nonnegotiable boundaries of your home that there are serious and immediate consequences. If they choose to desecrate your home, they have chosen to violate your trust; they have offended the family. The consequences might include removal from the home. They cannot be allowed to trample over your boundaries or victimize other members of the family.